Animal Husbandry by Laura Zigman

Author:Laura Zigman
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
ISBN: 9780307828323
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2012-09-04T22:00:00+00:00

EDDIE AND JANE SEARCH FOR MATES

The female chooses not the male which is most attractive to her but the one which is the least distasteful.

—Charles Darwin

The Descent of Man and Selection in Relation to Sex (1871)

And so the next few months passed. The dreaded holidays came, during which Eddie went to Wyoming and I went to Tortola with David, who was going to stay on there after New Year’s for a shoot. It was a short, quiet vacation, and I spent most of my time lying on my what-will-become-of-me chaise watching David swim back and forth across the patch of ocean our private beach looked out on.

The first night Eddie and I were home together from our trips, we went downstairs to Night Owls for a reunion. He told me that while he’d been away, he’d made two big decisions: that he had to get over Rebecca once and for all, and that I had to do the same with Ray.

“I need to find a wife, and you need to find a husband,” he said.

I sucked on some bourbon-soaked ice. But he was right, I knew. I just didn’t want to admit it, and I certainly didn’t want to start going out on blind dates, which is the route he suggested I take to accomplish his mandate. In fact, he said, he had several possibilities for me, including one guy he’d met at a wedding the previous summer, and two guys who came highly recommended by recent or current girlfriends of his.

Losers, I snorted.

But after another bourbon I agreed. “Fine. Set me up,” I said to Eddie, which of course, the bartender took as a request for another round, which we sucked down without complaint.

“Since you’re being so agreeable,” Eddie said as we left the bar and stumbled back upstairs, “Giulia asked me if I would mind taking her cat for a month while she’s in Rome for a catalog shoot.”

I nodded drunkenly. “Sure. Fine. Whatever.” I couldn’t care less. “What’s its name?” I asked him as he unlocked the door to the apartment and pushed it open.

“Evelyn,” he said.

“Evelyn,” I slurred as I wove down the hallway to my bedroom. “Evelyn with the big sweet face.”

After each of the blind dates that Eddie had pimped for me Joan and I had virtually the same conversation:

“How was it?”

“Awful.”

“Bad?”

“Jesus.”

“So there was no—?”

“Chemistry? None.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

“Not even—?”

“No way.”

“Was he—?”

“Unappealing? Completely.”

“Was there anything—?”

“Remotely attractive? No. He had that—”

“Thing?”

“With his lips. You know. Too—”

“Moist?”

“With little bits of spit—”

“In the corners?”

“In the middle. Like a little white thread.”

“What about—?”

“His shoes? Hideous.”

“Jazz shoes?”

“Crepe soles.”

“Were you—?”

“Repulsed? Yes.”

“What about his—?”

“Hands? Fleshy. No knuckles. Little.”

“So you couldn’t imagine—?”

“Them on me?”

“Or in you?”

“Never. No way.”

“So if he called, you wouldn’t—?”

“No.”

“Not even just in case he—?”

“Has a friend? No.”

“Did he—?”

“Pay? No.”

“Did it—?”

“Depress me and remind me even more how much I miss Ray even though it was supposed to do the exact opposite? Yes.”

“Well, maybe next time you’ll—”

“There won’t be a next time.”

But there always was a next time.

“So what was the physical-feature caveat this time?”

“Big hair.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.